Hey Granny

Hey Granny,

It’s me, Bundy. I hadn’t talked to you in a little while. Not like I normally do. How are you doing? I’m sure you are just fine walking around heaven all day. No more arthritis. No more pains. How’s Pawpo? Is Uncle Billy making everybody laugh like always? The house seemed a little empty without you two during the holidays. But your love and presence was still there. How many times has Aunt Essie cheated in Spades since you’ve been up there? She can’t be doing things like that in heaven now! I miss your smile and your laughter at my jokes. The family is good. Dionne is doing so good. Matthew is still lanky and talented as ever. Elijah is going off to college and I’m so proud but I’m going to miss him. Rachel and Jaydah are getting so big and I swear Jaydah’s becoming more and more like you every day. All she does is stay in your room whenever she’s over at the house now. It’s really amazing. Well I’m sure you know because you can see us all.

It’s been a little over a year since you left and I haven’t been to visit where you rest. I don’t think I’m strong enough for that just yet. I’m sorry I didn’t call to say Happy Birthday to you yesterday. Some things are still hard for me. It might sadden you to know I haven’t been praying everyday as I should either. What have I been doing? Ummm… Well… I know you always know when I’m lying so I’ll just be honest. I’ve been wasting my time. I know you always tell me to use my time wisely and make sure I’m focusing on what’s worth it. But I got distracted. Put my love, trust and emotions into fields that will never bear fruit. It’s so easy to do now a days. My mind is constantly scattered. I’ve been looking for distractions in every direction. Looking for something to blame for my short comings. Then when that doesn’t work I try to take on everybody else’s problems as my own and try to fix everything. Something else I told you I would try to stop doing, but I can’t. I will keep on trying to though. You probably know all of this already because you always do. You’ve always been able to make me feel bad when I’m messing up like no one else can. It’s probably why I’ve been feeling the way I have been. Why I’ve been struggling with my inner peace and happiness. Because deep down, I know how you would feel seeing how off task I was. But you know my heart. It’s too big for my own good. I got that from your daughter.

The promise I made you when you left still holds true. But it’s taking some time to get it done. I know you see everything I’ve been doing. Some things I hope you are proud of. Other things I know you aren’t and for that I am sorry. I can only imagine how you must feel when you see me slip into things I have no business doing. Things I know better than to do. It’s hard not having you here to steer me right when you see me going left.  But I know how much you smile when you see me do better. I’m just glad that there is more good than bad that you can witness now. Mom is doing great. We are still looking after her. Honestly she is stronger than I’ve ever known. So much more than me. Although sometimes I see her face and I know she’s thinking of you. Everybody is so much closer. I didn’t even think that was possible. I know you had something to do with that as well.

I’m sorry that I’m no closer to giving you any great grand kids or a granddaughter in Law. But you gotta talk to the big man up there for me. I’m sure he has something in store for me. But I know he will only deliver it to me when I get out of the way and stop blocking my blessings by wasting time with convenience. Oh Hey! You will be pleased to know that my writing is coming along. I’m finally back focused on that and I just have to stay that way. Stay focused on what’s important. I won’t let you down. Tell Uncle Billy his talks haven’t gone in vain and I’m still listening. It was tough losing you then him just a few months later. But I understand. He missed you that much he needed to follow. His work was done. It was time to rest and burying him on my birthday meant I will always share that date with his memory now, so that makes me smile. I hope I’m making you all proud. Well, I won’t hold you up and I’ll let you go now. I know you’ve probably got a lot planned this week because you love a good party! Tell everybody I said hello and I miss them. I’ll check in on you later, my G!

 Happy belated Birthday! I Love you Granny.

I miss you more than you will ever know. 

Open Up

There are a lot of beautiful people in the world. It’s a blessing when 2 can find each other and create their own happiness. They say everyone had that someone for them. If you look at the statistics and the numbers of males vs. females this is most like true. But there is a problem in all of this. We don’t know how to search and we go about it all wrong. I know you are probably reading this and thinking “Oh Lord. Yet another SINGLE person telling me what I need to do to find somebody.” Well... YOU GOT DAMN RIGHT! NO. I'm just playing. I'm not about to tell you what you are “supposed to do” like there is actually some rules and printed out guidelines for dating. This is life, not a damn classroom. You get no syllabus. Sorry. But I do want to try and get you out of your own way for a sec. Before you miss some great opportunities because you are too busy...
 



When I say we go about it wrong I don’t mean our approach. I mean the problem is us. We set the high goals and standards. Then we constantly say “Never settle”. Well if you have a list of things you “require” in a man you are going to have to eventually ”settle” for some cats and a knitting needle because you will definitely be waiting on your “Mr. Perfect” for a very long time... Unless there is some “Build a Mate” workshop in the mall I haven’t noticed. We put a requirement on everything. Age, education, religion, etc. it’s completely understandable. I wouldn’t want to date a person I couldn’t hold an educated conversation with. I wouldn’t want to be out with my girlfriend and people look at me in disgust like I’m R. Kelly chaperoning a high school prom. And I definitely don’t want to say “Thank God…” and my girl shouts back at me “THERE IS NO GOD!” Talk about an awkward silence that that would create.
But allow me to get back to my point. Some of us can get outlandish with these requests. I’ve been on dates where I’ve sat across from the girl in utter disbelief at her in-depth answer of “What do you look for in a man?” all of the blanks stares…



Some will give you the most elaborate and asinine answer imaginable. We forget the most important part. To be happy! So a person doesn’t meet all of your requirements but he/she is a great person. Why not give them a shot? Especially if that person is passionate about you. That means they will not waste their time and do what it takes to keep you happy with them. Everybody wants to be happy. No matter how they do it. Why not simplify some things in order to do so? Being too choosy will cause you to watch someone great walk right by because you can’t date a woman with a weave. Or you can’t date a man that doesn’t have 3 degrees. Who cares if she bought the hair? It’s hers now and some people can have 5 degrees and still be stupid. Stop overlooking the nice guys/girls. Like the one that texts you every morning to say just that or for you to have a great day that you look over? Or like the same one who comments on your pictures in a very nice way that you run and tell your friends “Girl look at this thirsty ass nigga.” Yeah, him. Or just the man you work with that offers to take you too lunch that you never say yes to because he doesn’t wear the best suits or drive the finest cars.
Look. I’m just saying, unless you like listening to Taylor swift in a dark apartment on a love seat by your lonesome, open up to possibilities.
Your dating life might not be so bad if you spent more time paying attention to what’s in front of you than complaining about how bad it is. Because in all actuality… it could be pretty good. You never know where your happiness lies if you don’t give yourself more wiggle room to find it. You’ll never understand the freedom and comfort of a king sized if you keep lying in the fixed position of a twin bed.
Did that analogy work?
Oh well.... You know what I'm trying to say, damnit.

Dead Skin

What is it about the New Year that gives people hope that “THIS year is going to be my year”? I mean don’t get it wrong. I wish everybody a happy New Year and want all my people to do and be better in the new days coming. But let’s just be honest. How can you claim change when you bring in the New Year doing the same shit you were doing the year before last with the same person/people you said you were trying to lose in 2013? It’s asinine. Old habits and people who are bad in your life are like having dead skin. It’s just there but you don’t want to peel it off. Like a scab, an eyes sore that everybody sees. Your friends tell you to pick that but you don’t because it’s going to leave marks. The mark is already here, love. Maybe it is time that you make a resolution to stop lying to yourself. Let’s start there.

I'm not big on making resolutions, but i made a few promises to myself. I noticed that there a few things that I really need to do differently in order to prevent the dealings of last year to repeat themselves. I'm not going to go into a lot of them but a couple of the main ones I will. “Weed out the people in your life who aren’t good for you by choice or by force.” And “Make fewer mistakes by making smarter
decisions.” Detaching yourself from some things/someone you love maybe the hardest thing to do. Take that habit. The lying or drinking that you do too much of that your friends are scared for you about? Yeah, that. Or that girl. The one who treats you second fiddle. The one who you never know what side of her you are going to get? Yeah, her. Or that guy who you know is no good for you and only wants you around for few reasons but you love his ass none the less? Yeah, him. They gotta go. I know its tough, but don't be too scared to break the chains it may have on you. I'm here to tell you, that invisible chain? You hold the bolt cutters. You just won’t use them. Same as I. We just gotta stop lying to ourselves. That’s the worst thing we do. Sadly we all lie to ourselves about something.

Decisions. I know I gotta make better ones. 2012 was a clear example of that. I learned a lot, but I had to learn by trial and error. Not this time. Legal issues. No more of those. By far the most taxing thing I’ve ever dealt with. My life is too short and mean too much to me to spend another year not in control of it. But I will say it was an experience and a wakeup call that I needed. Newton’s 3 rd Law of Motion says “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” I translate this into saying be careful how you act because whatever you do can come back to you the same or worse than before. All the more reason to think before you act. I wish success and happiness for everybody. The same for all my people. Let’s do better and not keep
doing the same things from last year expecting different results this year. That’s with people, loved ones, and your preferences. Go ahead and peel off that dead skin.

Let go, let God.

Live more, talk Less.

Do better, to be better.

*Deuces*

A Day Without Superman

I’ve always been a person who doesn’t mind to hear the problems of others. Hell it’s why I got into psychology. Its why when I accepted my job I felt I could help make a change in someone’s life. Something admirable, you know? But sometimes it can be too much. Like my brain is on emotional overload and I need some sort of release. I mean we all have problems. But sometimes you have you to put yours ahead of others. I hear people’s story every day at work. When I get off I'm either receiving texts, calls, or faced with more people in my personal life’s problems. Family, Friends and/or others who shall not be named. Somebody needs you to do this. Somebody needs this from you. Somebody wants to talk about this. I don’t mind it. I love that I'm someone that can be counted on as an ear or shoulder. But got damnit if I don’t need it myself sometimes. But you’ll never hear me tell anybody that. I'm not that type of person. I'm a fixer. I don’t want you to help fix me. Is that making sense? Well here’s my point. At what point do you stop? What point do you say enough and just get lost. Go off on your own and not be found for a little bit. Because you know once you are found someone is going to have something they need your help with or they need to talk to you about. I can’t be the Man of Steel AND Clark Kent every day. Sometimes I am my own kryptonite.  Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I bring these things on myself. Too many people don’t care what you are going through but if you aren’t who they feel you should be they began to act funny with you or slander you in some kind of way. Well that’s just petty and ignorant. Step outside of your own microscopic view of the world and realize that maybe the sun DOESN’T set and Shine on my backside… But that’s another story.. Just don’t pretend that your problems are more important than someone else’s. Be mindful. You don’t know how that person is affected by it. Like the saying goes don’t judge me because I sin differently than you… Well you can’t judge my problems because they are different than yours. I don’t know. But at some point I gotta turn my phone off, gas my car up and take a few mental health days. Hell even Superman had a Fortress Of Solitude when he needed a getaway. Sometimes you gotta put down the cape and grab some flip flops… Say bye, bye to Kal-El.

Dear Summer

Hey Summer…
I know you gon’ miss me….
Because ima damn sure miss you. But real talk? You really a big bitch for leaving me the flu…
That don’t change how I feel about you because my love for you is real. Even though you aren’t mine to
keep and I already knew the deal… from the moment I told you hi.
I offered to buy you a beer. We traveled all over together taking pictures everywhere.
I kissed you every chance I got, stolen or given freely. But now it’s the dreams of those stolen moments
which from I’m begging you to free me.
We learned a lot from each other this year, whether I wanted to or not.
From the laughs, the fights, the good times with my people even to the DUI that I got.
And no I can’t put that on you… But you where there through it all. So I know you gonna be mad when I
tell you I can’t bring you with me into the fall.
I hope one day you will learn that no matter how many tops you put them on, there really is NO
message at the end of the bottle.
And that I know I’ve had my fair share too. So I am in no shape a role model...
But I care enough to let you know. That, in itself is why I gotta let you go.
So now I blow out the rest of these feelings for you with the cloud of smoke from the clove I puff.
Because once you realize what we had was what it was… well shit… getting over it ain’t that tough.
I admit I didn’t know that saying goodbye to you would have to be so rough. But knowing that the
decision is what’s for the best, has shown me that what I have doing is enough.
And frankly ma, You got too many people who love you and I ain’t trying to wife no slut.
Partying, acting wild, getting too drunk, it’s evident that these hoes really do be acting up... And we all be
letting em.
Yeah I got God’s son in my heart but, his level of forgiveness, I don’t have that much. Yeah He saw past
Mary Magdalene’s faults and she was loose… facts is facts.
Does mean I gotta do the same??
Nah… Hov did that so hopefully I wouldn’t have to go through that.
Now the fact that I know ima see you again gives me some solace,
That this isn’t goodbye but more of a “see you later”.
We were tight this year, but we had our battles like Zack Morris and AC Slater.
The love I have for you is something that I will carry on into the next seasons.
From the G.O.O.D music you gave me to the women I courted for no true rhyme or reason.
But it’s time to slow down like a Bobby V. song. The sins I committed with you, in this new day I cant do
the same wrongs.
All the accolades and success that I received with you, The good times i had, the money I blew. Meeting
interesting new people everywhere I flew, to only come back home to lay in bed with you…It cant go on.
So goodbye for now and please don’t cry for me. Just show me the same love when I see you again.
Take some new losses and share some new wins.
Share the same laughs, spend some more ends.
And most importantly, give me that same kiss that made us more than friends.
         Later, Summer.

What's Your Worth?

Ever felt disrespected? Ever felt like some people you care about don’t place you or treat you like you deserve to be treated? If you find yourself feeling this way then you should really stop and look at the person having the feelings. What are you doing to make sure that those feelings aren’t true? People are only going to give what they get. Most people will treat you exactly how you show them you deserve to be treated. If you are comfortable being second fiddle, then you will be treated as such. It’s your job to stand on what you feel you deserve and nobody else’s. This is simply called “knowing your worth.”

In a lifetime we will meet people who will be in our lives and who will love and respect us genuinely. They might be friends, family, coworkers, and girlfriends/boyfriends/spouses, etc. But through all of this there is one constant… You. You are the one who has been there through all YOUR hard times. YOUR successes. YOUR failures. How can anyone, other than who looks back at you in the mirror, tell or show you they know more of what you deserve than you? Impossible. Unless that’s what you put up with.

It really boils down to what we accept and from who we accept it. If you put up with it, you deserve it. Well at least that’s what it’s going to look like. God doesn’t want that for you and neither do I. Your manager continues to drop work on your desk that is way below your pay grade? Your love interest continues to choose to go out with his/her friends and see you when it’s convenient?  Family continues to use you? Yeah. Change it! Give those files back. Stop being available for the convenient times. Stop giving they asses shit they ask for! If every time I look around a family member had a hand out I’d move to Alaska. Straight up. KNOW YOUR WORTH!

Most importantly, don’t think you are alone in this issue. It happens to everyone especially in relationships. Don’t let someone make you second guess you or your heart. You should never give someone else that much power over you. But we make excuses for those we like/love. Our friends will tell us what we are doing wrong or whats wrong with that situation, but we won’t see it. We will turn a blind eye to anything other than what we want and believe we’ve found in that person. Even when we are completely wrong and you know deep down that you are giving a lot and receiving a little. Sound like you yet? Ok…

Now here is were the gut check comes and you don’t know where it comes from. Maybe a friend finally got through. Or maybe it is from some random epiphany or moment of complete clarity. Who knows. But it’s when you ask yourself “When am I going to finally get tired of giving my all and getting half of nothing?” I can’t tell you that. But that is normally when the change comes. You start to remember who you are. You stop praying to God to fix THEM and you start asking for remembrance of the person you used to be. Then, it begins to get easier. As long as you love yourself with an agape kind of love, no one can show you anything other than what you deserve. Your family might start appreciating you more. The right Job might come along because you shined through in that interview. The right person will see that light in you. Now, that 100% you have been giving will finally get you the reciprocity you deserve. All this because of what you already knew. How much you really are worth.

Fin.

Gravity

Everybody has one person that they love spending their time with on a constant basis. Whenever one or the other is free, you try to get away for lunch or a late night breakfast or something like that. You do it just because you really want to spend time with that person. It can be a feeling of infatuation or mutual appreciation of the others company. It may even be a genuine “like” factor there. But… you ever find yourself caught up in that person? Like something is pulling you faster than you can stop it? It’s called Gravity.

Gravity is defined as “a natural phenomenon by which physical bodies attract with a force proportional to their masses.” That is deep enough in itself.smh But when that happens, that’s when it gets hard. Say the feelings aren’t necessarily mutual, like you may feel a bit more strongly for them than they do for you. Now, that’s not to say they don’t appreciate the time with you, I’m merely saying they aren’t as far along in the infatuation as you are. You are now stuck thinking of that person constantly. You long to be near them. To see that smile; hold that hand. You’re caught in their Gravitational pull.

Simply saying, don’t let gravity catch you and pull you into to someone who isn’t willing to be pulled into yours. Gravity is tough. Hard to escape. It keeps you grounded and centered in that object. Sometimes this isn’t always bad. Sometimes you want to be there because that person can be warm, loving and giving. That’s a good space to be caught in. You can grow there. and I’m sure they feel the same about yours. But some are cold and dank. There’s no room to grow. No room for the warmth of a smile to fly through and it keeps you down. Your days are spent thinking about a person who isn’t thinking about you. That’s bad space. Not your fault though. You sometimes don’t know you are there until it’s too late. You are already stuck.

I’ve taken residence in several gravitation climates. The good ones go, and the bad ones are hard to escape. Hard because you want more from them. More than they are willing to give. Of course that makes you want to venture farther into that person, thus, sucking you deeper into that bad gravity. Trust me. When you fail, don’t feel bad. That is a gravity that has taken far better than you. Stay away because when you are stuck, you are stuck. Run away while you still can before your body gets too heavy to escape.
Trust me… you’d rather walk on your own weightless moon than be grounded inside a cold, dry gravity.

Royce.
      5/9/2012